Pope Gus Rasputin Nishnabotna Sni-A-Bar Freak the First

"Pope Gus Rasputin Nishnabotna Sni-A-Bar Freak the First," FreeBiscuit Extraordinaire, is not the real name of the entity whom we think of as "Pope Gus Rasputin Nishnabotna Sni-A-Bar Freak the First." His real name is a 24-dimensional vibration algorithmically encoded into the super-symmetrical sub-quantum infrastructure of "space/time" itself, with no beginning and no end, that is neither pronounceable nor even conceivable within the semiotic/conceptual/epistemological/ontological/phenomenological limitations inherent to three-dimensional biophysically manifest organisms composed of baryonic matter.

Regardless, he whom we know as Pope Gus (or, as he's known in the hip-hop world, Tha Massive G-Pope) is one of the most important religious prophets ever to grace the soil of this or any other planet, and he has led a very mysterious life so far. Many rumors claim that he is actually a single-celled self-replicating amoeba-like organism, but these pernicious and undoctrinal rumors were finally proven false when a team of paparazzi verified that Pope Gus is indeed visible without the aid of a microscope.

Having been born at a very early age in 1769 in Aemona, and blessed with a feral-yet-mellow disposition due to his being raised in the wild by cucumbers, Gus Rasputin Nishnabotna Sni-A-Bar Freak has long felt a sense of unity with Biscuits. When he was a mere lad of eighteen he began a decade-long series of intense visionary experiences that revealed to him that he is not only the Sum Totality of All Rutabagas, he is also the messenger of God-Biscuit to the peoples of Planet Earth.

As noted in his hagiographic autobiodyssey, Twitch Twice for Tiffin, in 1937 young Gus Rasputin Nishnabotna Sni-A-Bar Freak began conducting the controversial experiments in frog-flavored yogurt for which he is world renowned. These important experiments aroused the wrath of the Unified Theoconservative Anti-Frog-Flavored Yogurt Alliance, and while fleeing these agents of intolerance he stumbled upon a hidden vault containing the original codices and palimpsests of The Nuclear Platypus Biscuit Bible, thought lost for millennia untold.

Disguised as a Bulgarian boat-person, Gus Rasputin Nishnabotna Sni-A-Bar Freak smuggled the book into the USA and began translating the arcane Lithuanian hieroglyphs into English. While pursuing this endeavor he was contacted by underground members of the Nuclear Platypus Church of Arglebargle and, rejecting a lucrative career in theoretical dentistry, joined the Church forthwith. He made the Honor Roll three years in a row by selling the most cookies door-to-door of anyone in his congregation, and in only a few years had advanced through the ranks from a novice Li'l Dumplin' to 10th Degree BisQuik all the way up to 33rd Degree Ascended Doughist Master.

The official Church phrenologist quickly discovered that Gus Rasputin Nishnabotna Sni-A-Bar Freak is a direct lineal descendant of not only Flavius Romulus Augustus and the Merovingian Kings, but also of the last Arglebargle Pope, the voluminous Pope Spittle the XXXL, who had been lost at sea during an inner tube race in 321 A.D.

With this discovery Gus Rasputin Nishnabotna Sni-A-Bar Freak became Pope Gus Rasputin Nishnabotna Sni-A-Bar Freak the First, the first Biscuitist Pope in over 1,600 years. The Supreme Avatar of Old Skool Biscuitism, Pope Gus is a charismatic leader, fair and just, yet able to do that which is best for the perpetuation of the Doughist Doctrine. To switch food groups for a moment, one might say that in a world populated by mere tater tots, Pope Gus is a Tater Titan (For example, Pope Gus is so cool that his phone's ringtone is no mere pop song snippet; each ring is the complete 15-hour opera cycle of Wagner's "The Ring of the Nibelungen").

In 1988 Pope Gus decided to revive the Church of Arglebargle overtly, an event that rocked the corridors of global power and caused the collapse of the atheistic/anti-Biscuitist Soviet bloc countries only three years later. The Nuclear Platypus Church of Arglebargle is now acknowledged as the most powerful organization in the history of humanity, a Biscuitist behemoth and Doughist juggernaut crushing all opposition in its path, leaving an indelible mark on the human species.

Recruits to the recrudescent Church were slow at first. In late 2003, however, it was rumored that Pope Gus had contracted a fatal case of the Dewey Decimal System; the proletarian masses were shocked out of complacency and realized just how empty and pointless the world would be without Pope Gus Rasputin Nishnabotna Sni-A-Bar Freak the First at the helm. As of this writing the BiscuiTemple now processes approximately 19,800 new members every second.

Besides being the Arglebargle Pope, he is also the SubGenius Pope of the Carina Galaxy; apparently a verb; a Discordian; and an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church. His friends and enemies grudgingly admire the fact that his legs are the precise length necessary to reach from his pelvis to the ground, and always are except when they're not.